I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
