Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
