"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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