I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
