It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
