I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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