I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
