Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I came so hard my ears popped.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
