He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
