how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
