so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
