i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
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