I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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