Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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