If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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