Will you blow on my dice?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
