nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
