Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
