I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
