M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
