She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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