What tipped you off? The sombrero?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
i need some magic done to my vagina
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
