ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
