Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
