Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
