don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
