I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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