So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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