Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
