So drunk its hurt
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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