The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
