my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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