So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize