Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
