My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
