Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
