they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
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