ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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