My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
