Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm just crazy horny about you
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
