She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
