An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
