i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
