I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
