I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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