He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
