omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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