can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
