we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize