I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
