; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
