i need an iv and a liver transplant
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So much rum. So many feels.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize