I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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