I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
