This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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