On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
