shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
