If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
