i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
