I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
