I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
