Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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