wrigley field is MILF paradise
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
