Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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