Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It's never too late to be topless.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize