I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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