I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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