Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
