You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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