I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
