My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
