you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
