He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
