and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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